Roy Hill - My Life In Showbiz - final part

The final instalment of 'My Life In Showbiz' by Roy Hill brings us right up to date. Roy is currently rehearsing like a madman for some solo dates in the next couple of months and the usual Cry No More reunion gig around Christmas. He's also been busy putting out a series of CD's of his own work and that of Cry No More. You can find out all the details at his Myspace website.

In 1999 I sold steam irons, handed out leaflets and got a job as a courier driver.

And so my life is over now, I have nothing to look forward to except death and hell. In 'The Waltons' and 'Little House On The Prairie', people die nice deaths, surrounded by their freinds but I will probably fall down a manhole and break my neck before drowning in sewage. However, I wonder if hell can really be that bad? It can't be any worse than standing outside this bloody warehouse waiting for Terry Watkins to arrive.
- DEATH AND HELL

In 2000 I drove a van, wrote stories, script ideas, sketches, poems, anything but songs.

In 2001 I drove another van, sold massage machines and wrote a comedy script, Car 13 Where Are you?

RUBY: Still no news from Car 13?
VINCENT: Nothing.
RUBY: He’ll show up.
VINCENT: I hope so. How are things with you?
RUBY: Well, I swear my clients are getting weirder.
VINCENT: Is that possible?
RUBY: You have no idea. This morning I had a gentleman who dressed up as Rupert Bear and tried to balance a beach ball on his head. Every time the ball dropped I had to whack him between the legs with a golf club. A nine iron.
VINCENT: Good grief.
RUBY: And tomorrow I have a gentleman who likes to cower behind the refrigerator while I skin a rabbit. I have to shout at him.
VINCENT: What do you shout?
RUBY: You naughty boy, you scamp, that sort of thing.
- CAR 13 WHERE ARE YOU?

In 2002 I co-wrote and recorded an album with my son Jamie. He hears different notes to me and I learned a lot. Most of all I learned to loosen up my approach to songwriting and don’t work with your son. Only joking Jamie.

In 2003 I sold more massage machines and wrote a comedy script, Welcome To Kent.

In 2004 I sold more massage machines and wrote another comedy script, Hubert.

SOUND FX: Seagulls, distant waves.
GEORGE: Oh I love the seaside. I love the sea. It's so wet and salty. Hubert loved the sea you know. I remember once in Eastbourne, when he thought he saw a kangaroo, but when we got up close it was just a tennis ball ... what kind of bird is that?
WHITWORTH: It's a seagull your reverence.
GEORGE: Is it really? He's a cheeky fellow, look, he's blowing me a kiss. Too whit too whoo, too whit too whoo, I think he knows what I'm saying.
WHITWORTH: Shall we walk a little further?
GEORGE: Hubert loved birds ...
WHITWORTH: Did he?
GEORGE: ... eagles, wrens, peewits, even the humble sparrow, he shot them all. - HUBERT

In 2005 I wrote and recorded an album of new songs which stepped outside my normal style, a brave decision considering how successful I’d been wth the old one. My lawyer and good friend David Gentle felt I might have found my oeuvre (he’s very cosmopolitan), my brother Deryk said they sounded like a suicide note.

In 2006 my doctor told me I was clinically depressed. I asked her how she'd reached this apparently random diagnosis. She said, 'You've been crying for the last fifteen minutes', a regular Sherlock Holmes. She said I needed anti-depressants and counselling. I said I didn’t believe in counselling. She said I couldn’t have the anti-depressants then. I had the counselling. Things got much worse then much better. I got a job putting up exhibition stands. There's nothing quite like being constantly called a useless wanker by a gang of tattooed ruffians for lifting the spirits. END OF PART SIX.

In 2007, impressed with my ability to carry four bacon rolls with brown sauce, two hot dogs and six teas, in one go, without dropping anything, the ruffians decided I wasn't entirely useless and I became just 'wanker'. Bliss. Their plug ugly faces and endless moaning will live in my heart forever. Feeling more like my old self than my old self ever did I started compiling CDs from the stuff I’d been writing and recording since the long gone yesteryear of 1974. One crisp October morning I started singing in the bath. I was back.

So here we are in 2008 and whaddayaknow ... CD's On Sale: Four ready so far, ten to come, more if I include the real rubbish. I'm working on a website to make purchasing as simple as pie, in the meantime you can order direct from me. More info? Coming right up.

HELLO SAILOR

12 songs recorded 1976-77, a mixture of acoustic demos and tracks recorded with The Strolling Players.

'Although sometimes primitive in execution these recordings are charged with the writer-performer’s manifest eccentricities, by turns playful, waspish and melancholy.' Pat from next door.

FUN WITH DAVE

12 tracks recorded 1983-84 with producer David Richards. Most are demos, some had loftier ambitions. David Richards went on to work with lesser acts such as Queen, Bowie and Michael Jackson. I went on to sell massage machines.

'I am completely satisfied with my massager, it has helped my shoulders no end’ Mrs Pike, Watford.

LIVE AT THE MULBERRY TREE

Cry No More's debut outing originally released on cassette in 1986, otherwise exactly what the title suggests, with knobs on.

'My all-time favourite album.' Brian Rizla, The Brian Rizla Experience.

CRY NO MORE 'CRY NO MORE'

From the pubs of Twickenham to ... American producers, American Musicians, released in 1988 on vinyl and cassette. Chapter 15 of a study in career pinball.

'What were they thinking?' Keith from Homebase.

Link: Myspace